See Jane help
Jane Kennelly is an amazing lady – and one to whom I owe a huge thank you – and not just for the breakfast. Jane, thank you for listening, thank you for your wisdom, your honesty, and your advice. Most of all thank you for not reaching across the table, smacking me soundly on both ears and saying “get over yourself woman.” Something, I suspect, you were dying to do.
Jane and I met for breakfast at one of my favourite Auckland cafes – Mecca (seriously, they do the best parma ham with fresh goat’s curd and pears) – so I could pick her brain. You see, I am having a teensy career crisis and Jane is world renowned HR consultant. I admire and respect her enormously as a woman and as a business person: she’s smart, she’s funny, she’s honest, she’s savvy….and she’s very good at resisting the urge to roll her eyes when I am in danger of suffocating myself with self inflicted drama.
Ignoring my wails of “but I can’t” and “but I don’t” and “I’m not good enough” and refusing to take on my protests of “yes but…” Jane gave me two very good pieces of advice, that I’m going to share with you right now:
1 – IT’S NOT THAT COMPLICATED
Now for a drama queen, like myself (and yes I feel a title coming on: Diary of a Drama Queen – look out Bridget Jones….)this is bitter medicine. What do you mean it’s not that complicated? It must be that complicated – otherwise I would have solved the problem already. After all, I’m a smart girl – so if it’s not that complicated why am I still struggling with this? What Jane didn’t say, but possibly thought, was “coz you’re making a big deal out of something that isn’t.” Being a challenge does not make something necessarily complicated.
If I am absolutely honest about this, the problem is my career is in a bit of a rut and I need to do something about it. End of story.I have two choices – either do something or shut up about it. Really not that complicated….
I know what I want to do, I know what I’m good at – really I’m just dithering and you know what they say about doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result right? It’s the definition of insanity…..enough said I think.
2 – YOU NEED A PLAN
Now a part of me – the smarter part I suspect – wants to say ‘well no kidding, you needed someone to tell you this?” but the truth is, yeah I did need someone to tell me this. I need a plan. Just like I needed to decide what my brand is, I need a plan. Until I get a plan, I may as well keep spinning in circles while praying when I stop I’ll see a huge sign saying “over here, successful author” - when we all know that what I’m going to see is “dizzy red head on the loose.”
If you have read been reading this blog for a while, you may have realised I’m not so good with discipline and planning. A year ago my BMI was nearly 50% – does that sound like someone on a first name basis with discipline and planning? Today, 50kg lighter and having just completed my first boxing training (and yes that’s a whole other blog post), I’m still not on intimate terms with either concept – but I am trying. Really trying – so now it’s time to apply that to more than just keeping the house clean and tidy, eating sanely, and doing gongyo daily. Now it’s time to apply it to my writing. First a plan, and then the discipline.
Every fibre in my being is trying to protest. There’s a whiny little voice in my head saying “but, I CAN’T” and then supplying a long list of excuses why I can’t. But I’m not listening, in part because I suspect if I have to have this conversation with Jane again, she just might give in to the urge to whack my ears. Mostly though, I’m over feeling tired and bored with myself (hmmm, that sounds vaguely familiar).
So the first part of my plan is sneak up on the woman with the whiny voice and shove her in a very large box. I’m then going to sit on that box while I write – with Bruce turned up loud so I can’t hear her. If she does make herself heard,I’ll douse her with cold water until she shuts up.
Hey I said I was going to plan and be disciplined. I didn’t say anything about being normal….
Moving on down the road…
There have been times when it doesn’t seem to matter what I do, the only solution is an enormous, leap off edge of the cliff to get my life moving again. It would appear that I am in the midst of one of those moments again.
Six years ago I decided I wanted to pursue a childhood dream of writing. Forget that I had made my career in languages and management, was in the midst of pursuing a degree international trade, and that I was on the side of 35 where you are supposed to be fairly settled. Especially when you have three children in tow. There were a lot of other upheavals occurring in my life at the time that we won’t bother going into right now but which really should have satisfied my need for change.
So, fast forward to 2007. I was working as a staff reporter for Straight Furrow, an agricultural weekly newspaper that had just been bought out by Fairfax. I had no formal journalism qualifications but I had a ton of life experience and a fantastic editor – Jeff Smith – who encouraged me for whatever reason to reach a bit higher. Jeff can be gruff and rough and on occasion a serious pain in the ass – and I would work for him again in a heart beat. I don’t ever remember him saying no I could not chase a story – he let me find out for myself if the chase was worth it or not. He also let me fall over my feet at times. Under his guidance I interviewed Andrew Ferrier, Sir Henry van der Heyden, David Carter and a guy who was poised to upset the Labour Party run at rule – John Key.
The Key story wasn’t that great – he had just been made leader of the National Party and I met him at his home in Parnell. He wanted to do the photos on a farm out in Helensville but he had another meeting immediately after so I had to follow him out West, then I’d park my car and continue to the farm where we would do the photos. I remember nodding mindlessly in agreement at these plans, cursing my high heels donned for what I had thought would be a sit down interview, and praying I would not get lost on the Western motorway. The thought of having to call the future Prime Minister and beg him to rescue me did not bear thinking about.
Jeff put the story on the cover of that week’s issue – along with my awful photos (it’s a skill I’m still working on) – and we went to print. We were the first ag paper to talk to Key as party leader and the first to put him on the cover and although the story wasn’t that great I am still to this day extraordinarily proud of getting it.
Not all of my stories were impacted by my nerves however and some of them I think, I hope, were actually quite good. Especially the one covering a spat between Fonterra and Affco.
Unfortunately for me I desperately needed to earn a better salary. I say unfortunately because I think if I had been able to work more with Jeff I could have become a good journalist. Maybe even a very good journalist. But I needed more money so I started sniffing around.
I ended up applying for an editorial coordinator’s role on the grounds I had enough management experience for the admin required and there would be enough writing, even if only advertorial, to keep me happy. Once in the interview I found they needed more of a Group Editor and less of a coordinator. I had enough common sense to know I had not been in the industry long enough to even be in the running.
Proving that common sense means precious little in the real world.
I started work with BMP as editor of Business to Business and a new paper that was about to be launched – Rural Living. There was more writing and less admin than I had dared hope for and I had a company car, a phone, a laptop and a decent salary. I threw myself into the job and discovered to my surprise I was actually quite good at editing.
For the past three and a half years I have worked 60 – 70 hour weeks and never regretted a minute. We now have a full editorial team and the portfolio has four publications and two weekly e-newsletters. My title is Publications Editor and I’m told I have a bit of a following. I don’t know, I’m still surprised anybody reads anything I write – including this blog.
I do know the profile of both publications has lifted and the days of hearing “you’re from where?” are long gone. Both have market place recognition and I’d like to think I helped with that – and loved every minute.
So I guess that is why everyone was surprised when I handed in my notice late last month and said I would not be back in 2011 for the next part of the journey. It was the hardest decision I have ever made. Not because I flatter myself that I am that important - I know I am very much a small sprat in a large ocean. I do however work with an amazing team of people whom I care very much about and I will miss.
I also have given a great deal of my focus to these publications for the past 40 months and I am very proud of them – in particular Rural Living. The thought of handing the responsibility and day to day decisions over to someone else was not something I considered lightly. Even just writing about it brings tears …
So why am I leaving? First and foremost – I want to spend some time with my children while they are still children. They have made enough ‘sacrifices’ to my dream – it’s time to spend some time on them.
And the dream itself? Well as proud of these publications as I am and as much as I love these people, I want something…more. Something different. I’m not really sure what that is yet but at the back of my mind I find myself wondering if perhaps the writer Jeff saw glimpses off might not be in there somewhere. I think I would like to find out.
Like most freelance writers I will do some PR and media work, some copywriting and webwriting. I’ll blog. I’ll work on my novel and a book about my Dad.
Hopefully I’ll be able to pick up some good stories along the way and get them into print. I’m happy to say I will be doing some freelance work for BtoB and Rural Living – and if it will be odd to not be calling the shots I’m glad I’m not slamming the door entirely.
December 17 seems to be looming very large at the moment and I’m eying it with equal parts trepidation and excitement. Trepidation because I’m not looking forward to clearing out my office, handing back my keys and saying goodbye. Excitement because this stage has been such an incredible and exhilirating roller coaster ride, what on earth will be in store next?
I’m sure we’ll find out a little further on down the road.